Shifting Shame Through Ontological Coaching

By Carine de Bruyn

As a South African and an ontological learner, I am deeply aware of how we are, as German philosopher martin Heidegger would say, “thrown” into cultural narratives, norms, and standards, worlds not of our choosing. We inherit identities and societal norms and expectations shaped by history, gender, religion, and class. These inherited narratives, often racialised, masculinised, and moralised, could quietly and generationally fuel a background mood of shame. An integral part of this mood can be a deeply internalised core assessment and limiting self-belief of “I am not good enough.” When this occurs, we are not in touch with our fundamental worthiness and dignity as a person. 

In our South African culture (especially amongst men), this “not-good-enoughness” is rarely spoken about. Instead, it is habitually covered up through humour, sarcasm, stoicism, alcohol use, aggression, workaholism, religious overcompensation, or materialism. Beneath these compensatory behaviours, shame often lingers quietly and corrosively. I can’t help but ask: What is the connection between this silent, widespread shame and South Africa’s unusually high suicide rates, particularly among men?

According to the World Population Review, in 2019, South Africa ranked 10th globally for suicide rates, at 23.5 per 100,000 people. The South African Society of Psychiatrists (SASOP) highlights the disproportionate prevalence among men. Notably, white South African men have historically had higher suicide rates than any other racial group. According to the World Health Organisation’s Global Health Estimates Suicide Report (2019), 13,774 suicides were reported in South Africa that year. Of these, 10,861 were men and only 2,913 were women. That equates to 37.6 per 100,000 for men, compared to 9.8 for women. South Africa also had the third-highest suicide rate in Africa.

I write this article as a small contribution toward changing the way we relate to this “thrownness.” As ontological coaches, while we do not pretend to be therapists, we do consider that we have a potentially meaningful role to play in understanding suicide as an existential breakdown and to be a first line of support in a coaching context, possibly even minimising the need for therapy. We can do this by creating awareness and helping shift the cultural and inherited background moods that shape how we South Africans relate to ourselves, others, and the future.

The Ontological Opportunity

Ontological coaching offers a profound way to work with the invisible but powerful influence of shame. It allows us to explore the moods, language, and body patterns that keep us and clients stuck in cycles of resentment, resignation, or self-sabotage. These moods are often rooted in unspoken and unexamined self-assessments, particularly the core belief: “I am not enough.”

By recognising and naming the mood of shame, along with the linguistic habits and embodied patterns that accompany it, we as coaches can help interrupt the habitual denial, avoidance, or collapse that often surrounds this mood. When clients begin to examine the distinctions that live in their stories, particularly the confusion between assessments (interpretations) and assertions, they gain new agency.

Language Domain

In the ontological framework, language is generative. It doesn't just describe reality. Language creates reality, especially how we feel about ourselves. The belief “I’m not good enough” is not an objective truth; It is a deeply held self-assessment, often formed and reinforced unconsciously, shaped by the history and experiences we inherit through our cultural and personal “thrownness.”

As Stolorow writes, building on Heidegger:

“In feeling ashamed, we feel exposed as deficient or defective before the gaze of others… In shame, we are held hostage by the eyes of others.”

Coaching questions that can bring this assessment into awareness include:

• How do you think you learned to have this view of yourself?

• How well does it work for you?

• Whose voice is this, really?

• Whose approval were you seeking when you first believed you weren’t enough?

• Deep down, what do you want to believe about yourself that will help you create a better life?

• If you could stand for a new story of your worth, what would it be?

Shifting these narratives matters. If left unexamined, they can lead to self-sabotage, blame, passivity, and withdrawal from life and possibly even suicide.

Common Shame-Based Internal Scripts/Narratives

When clients live their self-assessments as truths, possibility and self-agency close down. For example:

• “I won’t apply for the job because I’ll fail anyway.”

• “I won’t speak up because I don’t have the right to talk about this.”

• “I won’t ask for support because I should have it all together.”

• “I won’t take a risk because I couldn’t bear to confirm my unworthiness.”

These are all linguistic expressions of resignation rooted in shame.

Ontological coaching allows us to help clients harness the power of language and author new declarations:

• From “I am not allowed to feel” to “I am learning emotional honesty.”

• From “I must not appear weak” to “Vulnerability brings connection and strength.”

• From “Silence is strength” to “Silence isolates me.”

Emotional Domain

The self-assessment “I’m not good enough” often resides in a mood of resignation—a sense that nothing can or will change. This mood closes down future-oriented action.

Coaching helps clients shift from resignation to ambition or possibility by working with the declarations:

• “I can take meaningful action.”

• “I have what it takes to pursue new futures.”

• “My past does not define my next move.”

Through mood work, clients can begin to re-relate to the future as open rather than foreclosed.

Body Domain

Shame doesn’t just live in language or emotion; it lives in the body. Typical signs of embodied shame include:

• Slumped or collapsed posture

• Avoidance of eye contact

• Head bowed, gaze turned downward

• Shallow breathing

• Low, unsteady voice

• Low energy

Ontological coaching could bring these physical and embodied habits and patterns into awareness. Helpful coaching questions include:

• “What happens in your body when you say or think, ‘I’m not good enough’?”

• “Could you try saying that again, but this time, sitting upright, breathing deeply?”

• If you were to speak a deep positive view of yourself from a place of dignity, what is different about your voice, your breath, your shoulders? 

• Will it really be OK to have this view of yourself? Do you require anyone’s approval to feel this way?

• What might become possible if you stood in your true authority, declared this positive view of yourself, and stopped giving power to past judgments?

Subtle shifts in posture, breath, and grounded presence can help shift mood, language, and ultimately our self-assessment and identity.

In Conclusion

Shame and resignation are not personal failings or flaws; they are ontological moods we are often thrown into by history, culture and circumstances. Yet within these moods lies a core human concern:, wich is: to matter, to belong, to be enough.

Ontological coaching provides a powerful framework for bringing these inherited moods and self-assessments into awareness. By working through language, emotion, and the body, we help clients see how the stories they live in were shaped, and how they might author new ones.

In a South African context marked by collective and generational shame, this work becomes not only personal but cultural. Each coaching conversation that restores worth and agency contributes to the slow transformation of our shared narratives and ultimately the devastating statistics.

Carine De Bruyn is a Personal Development & Leadership Coach based in Geneva, Switzerland. Her coaching blends ontological and systems psychology approaches, drawing from her extensive experience in pastoral counselling and mentoring within faith-based environments, as well as her background in human resources and banking. She believes that lasting change flows from learning conversations that open new ways of seeing and behaving - creating shifts within ourselves first and then within every system we’re part of. Carine is an accredited Ontological Coach, ICF-certified, with an MBA from the University of Stellenbosch.

To learn more about Carine’s work go to www.carinedebruyncoaching.com. She can be contacted at carinedebruyn@icloud.com and +41 (0)79 667 7135